The Debate: Judge Bashing Redux
by Stuart Taylor, Jr.
We have collected all the presidential candidates’ statements about America’s recently discovered judge crisis, and fed them into a computer. The machine has peered six months into the future and projected some of the questions and answers in the Big Debate.
Q: I’d like to ask how each of you would change the federal judiciary. And Senator Dole, please explain whether you are here tonight as the Bob Dole who voted to confirm 98 percent of President Clinton’s judges, or the one who blames them for the crime problem and "the crisis in our courts."
Sen. Bob Dole: Bob Dole is here as the Bob Dole who lets Bob Dole be Bob Dole. And when Bob Dole is president, there will be no more liberal judges. No more moderates, either. Only Bob Dole judges-you know, here a Dole, there a Dole, everywhere a Dole Dole. No cowardly, craven, crime-coddling judges. No Democrat judges.
Bob Dole’s judges will be so tough,we won’t be able to build gas chambers and electric chairs and gallows and firing squads and lethal-injection get-ups fast enough. We’ll have to bring in Dr. Kevorkian to move things along.Bob Dole’s judges will pack guns under their robes and wear NRA membership cards like badges of honor.
President Bill Clinton: Me, too. Toughness and diversity, that’s what we want. But my judges will be tougher, and more vigorous and youthful too, and more supportive of Medicare and the minimum wage. And the problem is the Republicans not supporting these things, or our police, and not putting more cops on the beat-cops who can kill the criminals before they ever get to court, and I love it when they do that, I just want to hug them all.